Entries by Editor

It’s A Good Thing

/0 Comments/in , ,
032fcdfa-0c68-43ac-bbfb-9cdfa8f12525

It’s a good thing we mostly don’t know how long the parting moment will last.

My daughter was going to study abroad for a semester.

Which turned into two, then three, and then four semesters.

And recently, a third year away has been decided upon. In a land far away.

It’s a good thing I didn’t know at the time, when I walked in what felt like completely the wrong direction: away from her to catch a plane home, every cell in my body screaming “What are you doing? You are supposed to be close to the one you love. Stop walking in the wrong direction! Turn around!!”

Had I known then that a semester would become three years,

I might not have been able to stomach that as well.

Heartache could have caved me in more.

Air may have flowed less easily in and out of my lungs.

Imagination would have cleansed the palette of the straightforward “what is” with all the “could be’s, should be’s, would be’s”. Angst borrowed from an unknown future.

Whereas now, I sit somewhat in awe, that we have done this.

We have existed so far apart for so long, and we are mostly ok.

We have grown into this. We have had time to get used to it. Time crept upon us instead of startling us in bright daylight with a big announcement.

We go days and weeks, yes, missing each other, but also: we are ok. We are well.

In fact, we are as close as ever, while miles apart.

There are moments in the night when it crashes over me, and the layers of “OK” that seem sincere enough most of the time, fracture, and the ‘missing my girl’ rolls over me with unexpected weight, a flood of tears. And then that passes, and I am back to ok, dancing the dance of belonging while apart, heart stretched across more miles than I care to count.

Being ok doesn’t change that I wish I could be right there. It also doesn’t change that I am thrilled she is continuing with this adventure and I wouldn’t have it any other way.

And that right there is the eternal mystery of parenthood: to love so much that freedom is part and parcel of the deal, and that even as we resist and lament it — this flying away — we also celebrate it and know: it is good. It is right. It is the way. And our heart muscles can handle this. Mostly anyways.

The term I most often encounter with this magnificent, crazy (who the f@#% thought this up?!) equation is “bittersweet”. So apt. Bitter: the taste you may want to spit out, but you know is good for you, healthy, especially for the liver. And sweet: the taste you crave, that comforts and soothes, but too much can give you a stomachache. The two together, juxtaposed, mixed. That’s it. It really is Bitter and Sweet together, giving rise to another flavour that has no name, but is felt across the world as mamas and papas release their little ones and entrust them to a wobbly and wonderful world. It is bittersweet. Hard and right. Heartbreaking and heart making.

And so it is a good thing we mostly don’t know…

When is the last night our wee one cuddles into us to sleep.

When is the final time they suckle at our breast, nurtured this directly and immediately.

When is the last time we hear them say, “Mummy, carry me”.

When is the last day they let us hold their hand in public (for a while at least).

When is the concluding drive to school for after that one, they drive themselves.

When the skipping turns to walking.

When the moving away turns to moved away and to moved out.

When your “Can I just have a minute to myself?!” turns to “When will I get to see you?!” (Both with a ? and an !)

Thank God we mostly don’t know. That way we get to ease into the future unknowingly, and once it has arrived, we realize:

the belonging didn’t leave.

It just changed shape.

Creativity and Effort

/0 Comments/in , , , ,

To create: to bring something into existence. To make something happen. To be the cause for an effect.

CREATIVITY & EFFORT

We control the input, not the output.
We show up, we take our seat, we keep the appointment
On the meditation cushion.
With our kids.
In the field.
At our laptop.
We meditate.

We parent.
We sow the crops.
We sit down to write.

We control the input, not the output.
The end product is a collaboration of many influences.
Wires can get crossed. Obstacles arise. The muse doesn’t appear.
The weather may not cooperate to nourish the crops we have sown.
We may get distracted just as we are trying to focus. By valid requests and tasks.
Our kids may wake up grumpy or be dealing with stressors outside of our purview.

But we show up. There we have rhythm and consistency.
As the saying goes, “By sitting in meditation daily, you make yourself more accident prone”.
More likely to receive the Stillness when it graces you.
More present to allow the muse to use your body, soul and spirit when She shows up
Ready to witness the smile on your child’s face when he sees you in the bleachers
The seeds are sown, the fields tended, so when the rains come, they are there to receive, to grow.

There is a rhythm to this way of Life:
We act, we give it what we have, we let go.
And we repeat.
We are attached and dedicated to our input.
And we release expectation on the producing end of the equation.

I think this is perhaps what Jesus meant when he said to keep your oil lamp lit, to have enough oil on the ready, always.
Show up. Be set to go. That’s it.

There is a relaxing quality to this way of showing up for creativity:
It’s not all up to you.
But the part that is, well,
that part is
truly
up
to
you.

IMG_1614

IMG_2014

harp hands

Garden Lover

/0 Comments/in , ,

Every spring, after especially long winter seasons in the mountains and valleys of the Kootenays in BC Canada, I remember just how very much I love gardening. How could I have forgotten? I exclaim to myself, each year, surprised by my forgetting. Stepping back into the garden once the ground has thawed and a soft spring sun hits my back, I remember and it feels so deeply good, like visiting a friend overseas and catching up over tea as if no time had passed and all feels right: Dear Garden, you bring me back to sanity, to feeling whole and serene. Same in the autumn season, when the leaves and stems fold to their ground, harvests have been plucked, gathered, celebrated, and all is nodding toward a winter of rest, I bow with gratitude for the solace and serenity gardening provides with such generosity.

This has nothing to do with having a green thumb. In fact, my thumb is definitely not green, and peoples’ who are remain an evasive mystery to me (How do they do it?!). But I am a garden lover… sniffing earth, touching ground, planting seeds with great hope, bending over the green and coloured miracles with delight, rejoicing in the best food ever as it comes from garden straight to family table, tucking the beds in like little babies for the winter slumber, whispering, “Rest well and thank you”.  Gardening is also my place and time for contemplation, for happily wandering thought. When I weed — a rather mindless, patient task — my busy mind likes to meander. The good thing is that having my hands in the dirt seems to steer me more toward creative, satisfying thought, rather than the rattling rambling this mind of mine can get tripped over and caught up in.

The insights and take-aways of such meanderings often delight me. I have collected them, some at least. Other mini-epiphanies have occurred to me, only to sail away in the wind like a dandelion seed, cause when your fingers are dirty and your knees grimy, you’re not likely gonna write in that notebook you never bring to the garden. But some have stayed and here they are — little notes and gifts received from myriad seasons of having hands in dirt:

Doing the Unthinkable:

Which in this case, was taking down the big, healthy, water-sucking birch tree which stood strong and, well, smack in the middle of our garden. It didn’t make any sense to cut her down if you just looked at the birch tree herself. She used to be a small sapling, a fellow plant among many, but then, years in the making, she towered over all. Seriously, she was remarkable. She stood proud, tall, and stunning. The only thing was: she was standing in the middle of the garden and spreading her roots under and across all the garden beds. Which meant she was drinking water aplenty from our watering efforts, as well as slurping up the rainfalls, and absorbing copious nutrients, leaving little for the valiant growing efforts of our veggies and herbs. It came to the decision of garden or tree. We hummed and hawed for a few summers. Such a beautiful tree. Finally, we cut her down, after holding hands around her trunk, giving thanks, and promising never to forget her. Since then, the garden has thrived and we hope this birch tree’s spirit lives on in the other birches around the clearing. The lesson here? Even if something in your life is really cool and amazing, but not what you actually want to be doing, you need to stop, so that the rest can grow. Look at our pretty garden now:

IMG_2048

IMG_0307 (1)

IMG_0535 (1)

Gotta say No for the Yes to Grow:

On a similar note, every year, when I head to the garden to thin some baby carrots – those wee beginnings of carrots, just tufts of green really – so as to create more space for the few I leave to fully grow and flourish, I encounter the following conundrum. In order to enable a few chosen carrots to thrive I need to pull out a lot of others, and the thicker I originally sowed the carrot seeds, the more I have to yank out. I don’t like yanking out baby carrots. My logical mind tells me they’re just tiny carrots. The rest of me feels like I am murdering baby carrots. Such responsibility. One pull too many and a whole potential carrot is gone! Never to come back. Not that one.

I focus carefully, burdened by the responsibility of picking which one will continue to grow, which one has to go. So many micro-decisions, one wee green tuft after the other. As I curiously follow my inner resistance to the task at hand, I have to chuckle. What a perfect reflection of my struggle with letting go of any one of my “too many projects on the go”, thereby continuously juggling ten balls at once, terrified I could drop one at any moment, or worse, not even notice I had dropped it till days later. Bridging life and my carrot thinning adventures: Where am I compromising depth and quality for too much width and quantity? Where could I serve more if I focused on less? Is there anything in my life that needs thinning, that is taking too much time away from what I am really here to do? And so the yearly carrot thinning exercise reminds me to: a) Sow less and more precisely. b) Discern what I am truly here to do. c) Make choices, clear clutter. If not, I’ll end up with crooked, wonky, small carrots. And exhausted to boot.

Wait, watch and wonder:

You need a bench. Or some such sitting spot. A nook. A hollow, a hill. To sit. To wait, to watch and to wonder. If you’re growing all this stuff with the help of the sun, moon, earth, rain and all… you might as well watch it grow, yes? Sit back and enjoy the fruits of your labor. Let it be and let it do its beautiful thing, which it does so well. And then do the same with the rest of your life… the garage you just built, the article you edited, the meal you cooked, the children you raise, the horses you tend, the students you teach… Stop between tasks or in the middle of them. Breathe, sit back and watch, delight in the being and the becoming of what you are helping exist.

IMG_20211031_164039904_HDR

IMG_20221016_165402246

To be Stubbornly Glad:

Gardening is an act of defiance and a gesture of will to believe in life, to provide nourishment, to keep on going. Gardening is a great place to sink your tears, to pray for all those less fortunate, to move that energy, that grief, upon hearing of one tragedy after the other on the news. Gardening is putting the stake in the ground for life, for growth, for bounty. Gardening in the face of despair or simply weariness, is not giving up. It is stubbornness and persistence. It is trust ventured toward an unknown future. It is empowerment and choice to work with life rather than against it. Gardening is also therapy. It soothes and reminds of what you have in front of you: Your breath. Your hands. Seeds of potential. Nature unfolding according to a design ancient and wise. Your place in the puzzle of this unfolding universe. So, keep putting your stake in the ground, and as Jack Gilbert says in Brief of the Defense, “risk delight”.

“We must risk delight. We can do without pleasure,

but not delight. Not enjoyment. We must have

the stubbornness to accept our gladness in the ruthless

furnace of this world.”

Some Things are just Perfect. Like Grazing:

There is an absolute rightness felt upon beholding a young child feeding herself by grazing. Yes, just like a little goat. From raspberry bush to kale leaf. From carrot to red currant. And on to the lettuce, the parsley, the oregano, the lemon balm and chives. “Mmmm. It is SO good, mama!” “Yes, it is, sweetheart!” Seeing my merry lass feed herself in this way over the years always hits me right in that “rightness” place in my gut or soul… kinda the same spot in this instance. Best meal ever. So, the lesson? Plant a garden. Do it wherever and however you can. Could be a pot on your city balcony. Or a row in the front yard. On a roof top. In a community garden. There is always a space, however little it may be, where you can place seed into earth, water, wait and then delight in the harvest always such a space. Tend it. And then: graze to your heart’s delight.

Synergy in Action... where the sum total is more than the parts added up:

Growing a garden often involves more than one person. In my life, it is an endeavour my husband, daughter and I share. Plus a few thousand worms, minerals and who knows what else. Over the years we have figured out who likes to do what, who does what best, and how each of us can serve the most. Our trinity of action is made by finding the sweet spot where our Joy, our Capacity and our Service meet up and basically have a picnic together. What do I love doing? What am I good at doing? And does it serve the Whole? There is a complementary magic to this thing we call team work. My husband is not one for weeding. At over six feet tall, bending and crouching down is not his natural stance. I love it, squatting happily amongst dirt and green. Instead he delights in envisions, planning and landscaping. He excels at harvesting and does it right on time, an art unto itself when fall turns the garden into an overwhelming jungle of food. Our daughter? She is pro at nibbling and grazing, which makes it all worth it, offering a helping hand once in a while (which is nice and makes us think we are helping her build character), and … Voila! There you have it. The thing is: there are patterns here to be noted and built upon. Take landscaping: Steph does the meta-work: the noisy excavator digging big chunks of earth work. I get in there for the next layer, the raking and sifting, down to the patting the earth smooth with my hands (my favourite part). He visions. I add my imaginations and ideas. Back to the drawing board, each adding our part, and eventually we ground the imaginations together. In the end we look around and revisit the many decisions now tucked into the curve of a path, the layout of the beds, the slope angles and new berry patches. We watch our daughter gather tonight’s supper, or journal on the garden bench. So satisfying. We are each folded into the garden in our unique ways. We did it together.

Weeds are rarely just weeds:

As you now know, I love weeding. Such a straightforward task with clear goal and apparent results. Truly therapeutic, clearing mind and heart at the same time as garden bed. I have also noticed that some of my favourite lessons from the garden circle around the theme of weeds. So much symbolism, metaphor and wisdom held in their humble and resilient existence. Today’s note: Sometimes a weed is not actually a weed. May we tread with care, for as soon as we call it such, we dismiss it and do our best to dispatch of it. But: it could be a precious medicinal and well worth considering before you dig it up. Might the pesky dandelion be just what your carb-laden tummy needs: some hearty bitter to calm and balance the biome within? What about the wee pansies spreading their glory everywhere? Pretty food for salads. And the chickweed choking the lettuce heads? Turns out it too is a kind of lettuce. Well, sort of. It’s a green containing many plant compounds, lovely sprinkled onto salads, into soups and over other dishes, with potential soothing and healing qualities for human bodies. Can you hear the whispered wisdom of shadow work in this note? Also of open-mindedness and inquiry? Sometimes the things we deem “bad” are the buried gold that need scooping up in a warm welcome, listening to and integrating. Sometimes that which we don’t want to be, or think we shouldn’t be, and have pushed beyond our self-boundary into the realm of shadow and shame, just needs coaxing back into the daylight, appreciated, and allowed to exist and grow so that we become more whole.

Get to the Root of Matter. If you can:

Halfhearted weeding ends up being none at all. For before you blink, plus a few days of rain and sun, and that weed is right back, persisting as ever in your garden, and basically calling out with glee: “Ha, told you you can’t get me!” Plus not much comes close to the obvious satisfaction of pulling out a weed all the way down to its very roots. A thrill of success every time. The lesson: Getting to the root of any matter is always worth it, instead of engaging in endless symptom patching. This applies to all human conundrums too. If you’re sad, finding out what’s at the source of the tears is how you make way for real solace. Same with mad. And scared. We cover up so much. We pretend, we patch, we make do. And before we know it, what we tried to cover up just comes rearing back again, and so we circle round and round instead of spiralling up and on. So take the time to dig, follow the root till its end, bring it up to the light, and let it tell you its story.

And then, some roots just won’t ever come out, try as you may. Its like they are wedded to the earth forever, and no pulling, teasing, or cajoling will ever get them fully out. Take horsetail, for example. I hear it comes from prehistoric times. I don’t doubt it. There is no way — and I have tried, believe me — that you can ever get rid of the horsetail in your garden. As soon as you pull one up, if you’re even lucky enough to get its root before it snaps, there are a zillion others just next door, underneath, in between and around. As far as I can tell, there is an underground maize of interlocked horsetail, all on a mission to exist forever. And so there is a time and place for acceptance too. For surrender, and how does that saying go? Something like: Change what you can, accept what you can’t, and have the wisdom to know the difference.

IMG_2028

IMG_2002

IMG_2065

IMG_2014

Think in Long Arcs of Time:

I started gardening in my early twenties with my husband and a few equally enthusiastic roommates. We learned alongside each other. We read a few books. We experimented. We planted and things grew! Some of us were more interested in the practical matter of growing food. Others of us, while deeply appreciating the miraculous food grown, had our eyes on beauty above all else: flowers, butterflies and hummingbirds, shapes of garden beds, and the general aesthetics of a garden well tended, which involved bringing in more flowers, as many as possible. That was me. With Beauty as my main lens, I noticed how in the valley below there grew copious amounts of buttercups. Enthralled by their pretty goldenness, I spent afternoons digging up clumps of buttercups from ditches and fields, and carrying them up the mountainside on my bicycle with an equally besotted friend. We then planted them lovingly. Oooh, so much gold! All over the garden. So beautiful! But alas, as the gardener in me matured, and the buttercups kept on spreading all over the garden, I learned that — yikes! — buttercups are highly prolific and invasive, basically a pretty weed that shouldn’t be in a garden, but better belongs in a field. At that point, I also understood that my husband truly loved me, for despite his eye rolls and deeply practical preferences, he hadn’t stood in the way of my buttercup importation. Twenty plus years and I am still pulling them out. A reminder of youthful folly, forgiveness, as well as: “Think ahead, darling!”

Letting Grow instead of Yanking:

When I slow down enough to watch Nature do her thing, I notice time and again, that there is indeed a time for everything. There is a time to sow, and a time to reap. There is a time to laugh and a time to weep. There is a time to curl up and hibernate, and a time to unfold and express. And each growing thing has its own timing. We would never pull at a kale plant in our garden in the hopes it would grow faster. How do we miss this simple truth when it comes to ourselves and our fellow humans, especially the little ones in our lives? When did we get the idea that if we yank on ourselves or another, we would grow quicker, mature faster, get over our follies and foibles more efficiently?

The only way to help a vegetable grow in a garden is to nurture the soil it sits in. And the only way to do that effectively is to find out if there is anything missing (or too much of) in said soil. Back to us humans. May we create the conditions for growth and healing, instead of pushing and pulling. May we look carefully at the “ground” upon which each of us stands and investigate what might be missing, or what there might be too much of. May we then act accordingly. Likely the ground needs more kindness, more honesty, more love… that kind of thing. And likely, the ground needs less shame, less threat, less scolding.

No attachment to Outcome:

Gardens are not machines. Nor is the weather. Nor anything else connected with nature, thankfully. But also: so many unknowns, myriad surprises. Groundhogs find their way to the juiciest cabbages. Rabbits can clear out early greens like nobody’s business. Aphids can turn the most glorious kale into wilted grey shells of their former selves. Weeds can come out of nowhere and choke your onions. Deer can get you replanting your starts three times, or more. Bears can take down entire fence lines in their quest for the apples. Blueberry bushes may or may not produce, depending on the year; I am sure there is a reason, but I haven’t figured it out. I write this note the morning after our first frost this year, an early one as we have just entered October (I started writing this piece on garden insights in the spring, and then… the garden (and with that I mean the rest of life took over). Last night at 11pm my husband sniffs the air and guesses a frost is on its way. No idea how he knows such things (perhaps people with green thumbs also sniff the air differently?). Confirmed by a check of weather forecast, we make our way with headlamps, gather mighty pumpkins and second-growth broccoli, throw towels over some flower patches and lettuce rows I hope survive. And today, as the sun rises over a gorgeous mist, I check to see what the frost brought: it was a  hard one. Not even my covered lettuces survived. Some flowers did. Ah well, no attachment to outcome. An ongoing life lesson indeed.

What else to be discovered?

I imagine many more insights tucked away in the folds of each garden. I look forward to the ones I have yet to uncover as I keep on digging. I would love to hear yours if you have some to share.

PXL_20240731_233802703~2

PXL_20240620_020807087

PXL_20241023_232549461

Accordion Heart

/0 Comments/in , , ,

Seven years ago I wrote this. It hasn’t changed at all. I have gotten more practice in stretching this accordion heart of mine, with daughter now studying on a different continent. Back in the days when we snuggled in bed, or she sauntered into the house just like that in her teens, sharing life in the daily, I could barely fathom stretching and releasing that far, for so long.

Impressions of a Wildfire Summer

/0 Comments/in , , ,

One lightening storm one evening. No rain. July 17th.

A summer irrevocably changed with

a multitude of fires lit across the landscape of the Kootenays.

Some extinguished within hours or days

Others turning from smoulder to raging fires

And this valley here, goes from a peaceful easing into summer after a long Canadian winter and a lush green spring

To sudden activation and prolonged uncertainty upon a backdrop of endless days of hot sunshine hidden by smoke, and drying earth.

What if?

/0 Comments/in , , , ,

I am sitting under the tree that still has many leaves to shed. Those already fallen, spread around my feet, a carpet of gold.

I had to come outside. With the walls pressing in, fresh air was needed.

The temperature of the world has surely gone down this past week as the world reels in the wake of atrocities with many innocent caught in the middle.

Little ones, growing ones, parents and elders.

Easter Saturday: suspended & heightened. The liminal space we find ourselves in during this pandemic.

/0 Comments/in , ,

Easter Saturday. A day of waiting, of unknown. liminal, empty, uncertain. A day of dark, of facing death and loss. A day of grief, of resistance and perhaps gradual acceptance. A day of feeling all the losses, all the pain and sorrows, a day of not turning the other way, but simply and profoundly: being […]

STEP-BY-STEP  I A COVID-19 HEALTH PROTOCOL    

/2 Comments/in ,

CORONAVIRUS :  Taking steps for y-our health This protocol was put together for our families, drawing upon our own best practices and experiences, as well as recommendations from integrative health practitioners, a biochemist and nutraceutical expert, a family doctor, two nurses, and numerous medical articles and research. We sifted through the information with the intention […]